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Knowledge is relief

This week was both the best and the worst week of my life.

Last week I had a cold. It was so bad that I lost my voice completely for a few days. But I wasn't worried. A cold can be cured. I went to the doctor and he gave me a prescription. And then I told him that I want to do a CBC (Complete blood count). I had always wanted to do it because it's always a great idea to know what goes on in your body, but I was always very terrified of medical tests. But I'm 28 years old and decided I have to start taking my health seriously. Anyway, I went to the lab and picked up the results the next day. Everything was fine except for the fact that my Thrombocyte count was really low. The normal value is 150 upwards and my value was 107. I called my boyfriend who's a pharmacist immediately and he told me not to worry. It's probably because I'm sick. It calmed me for a bit but I still wanted to hear what the doctor had to say. It was Friday so I could not do anything.

Early Monday morning, I went to the doctor again. She looked at my CBC results and was a bit worried about the Thrombocytes. That really freaked me out.
She asked me a lot of questions and examined me. She didn't find anything and then she suddenly turned to me and asked me if I'd ever had an HIV test.
I had never had one. That was one tests that I dreaded more than anything. I wanted to go so many times but I always chickened out. I kept telling myself that I'm negative anyway but every time I watched TV and heard the word HIV or AIDS, I'd be frightened for a few days and asked myself whether or not to go and have a test. I always ended up deciding not to. But I lived in fear because I didn't know the truth only a test could tell me.

Well, I told the doctor that No, I had never had an HIV test. She told me it was routine and she asked most young people. I nodded but my heart had started racing. I thought I'd pass out right there and then. I was worried that maybe she knew something I didn't.
When she asked me if I wanted to do the test I surprised myself by saying Yes and regretted it all the way to the lab.

I gave blood again for another CBC and an HIV test. Lucky for me, I only had to wait one day. I could pick up the results the next afternoon.

The fear that gripped me as soon as I left that lab, I will never be able to describe.
Why was I afraid? I was afraid because although I've always been so careful all my life and had only slept with three men all in all, there was one or two occasions where I slept with my Ex boyfriend without protection.

What scared me about that, was that when I was dating him, everywhere we went (clubs, parties etc.), I'd meet a girl who happened to be an Ex girlfriend. I wondered constantly how many women he had been together with but I was afraid to ask. He even cheated on me a few times with an ex. We broke up eventually because I just could not trust him.

The other thing that worried me was that he was the kind of guy that was constantly sick. I used to think that it was just because he was overly sensitive but during the wait for my results I asked myself the question, "What if it was something else?"

The day I waited for the results was pure hell. I was shaking all over, crying, praying, sweating and in a daze. I could not even plan my life beyond the next afternoon because I didn't know what the results would be. I had such a beautiful life ahead of me. I had recently gotten engaged to an incredible man and on my way to graduating from university. My fiance was very supportive and loving. He calmed me down and promised me that no matter what the results, he'd never leave me, he'd still marry me. I believed him because he is the most loyal boyfriend I'd ever had.

That night I thought I'd have a heart attack and die before even the results came out. I hardly slept and had terrible dreams. I was simply paralyzed with fear, woke up constantly, heart pounding, in a cold sweat. What will I do if...? what will I tell my mom if...? what will happen to my dreams if...? Will I even want to live if...?, were some of the questions that ran through my mind. I told God to give me a chance. I promised him I'll never complain about my life again, I'd live it to the fullest and stop procrastinating, I'll pursue my dream of helping people and making a small difference in the world....I slept maybe just for three hours that night.

The next day I couldn't wait till the afternoon. My life felt as if it had come to an end. my fiance called the lab in the morning and they said i could pick up the results already.

Walking into the lab, my feet, my whole body felt like lead, I refused to think of anything at all. I felt like a zombie.

The results were NEGATIVE, thank the Lord. I can never thank him enough for protecting me. Very bad things happen to good people too. I was relieved but it took three days until the knot in my stomach unraveled. I'm so grateful and relieved that I have finally done the TEST and by the way, the CBC came back looking good too. The Thrombocyte count was now 166.

This was a frightening experience but I'm happy God opened my eyes during these few days. It can happen to anyone. I feel so heartbroken for people all over the world that are living with HIV. I think you are all so very brave for telling the world your stories. If anyone needs a shoulder to cry on, I'm ready to help, I want to be there, to comfort because it could easily have been me. Please send me an e-mail. Please be strong.

I pray that a cure will be found soon.
For those who are not tested, please do. Whatever the outcome, at least you'll know. You'll stop shaking every time you hear AIDS or HIV on TV.
I love you all. I really do.


Sent via Email July 17, 2009 from USA.


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