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U beed the test soon

I have a strange relationship with HIV. Mostly I forget about it, then at times I cannot think of anything else. I have not had an official positive test. This will be the fourth year now that I have kept saying to myself, "this is the time to test."

Four years ago I was just getting out of a long-term relationship. I went out one night with the girls and ended up having a one-night stand with a male friend. I was so drunk I can barely remember getting to his house or anything that happened. I woke up feeling ashamed. It was about a month later when I started having problems. I went in to get checked and learned I had clamydia. I was devastated, but took the meds and went on. It was a few months after that when I started getting sick. Things like night sweats and fatigue. I then started to get a strange rash in my mouth, which turned out to be thrush. The nurse asked me if I had had any HIV tests and I told her I had negative tests in the past. Nothing more was said and I was never tested.

Fear took over my life at that point. I had some more health problems that went away after awhile. I figured this had been the seroconversion period. I was pretty healthy after that with minor issues here and there. A few years after that I started having chronic bacterial vaginosis that kept coming back after treatment. The night sweats come and go as well as swollen lymph nodes.

I know that I need to get tested so I can get on the medication I need to live longer, but I can never bring myself to do it. I have a child to care for, which should make me want to test more, but keeps me from wanting to face the truth. It is like in the back of my head I can keep thinking as long as I don't test, maybe there is a small chance this is just all a dream. I haven't heard anything about the man I slept with that night. I have seen him a few times out, but never talked to him about it. I wonder if he had had some secret bisexual encounters since the chances of women giving it to men are quite low. I suppose it doesn't matter at this point. I know I need to test soon. I have been getting sick more frequently and when I cut myself it has been taking longer and longer to heal. I know I need the meds, but I need to find the faith in myself to deal with this first.


Sent via Email December 3, 2008 from USA.


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