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Hearing voicees

I am a 26 year old bi female living in the US. I have spent my entire adult life being scared of having HIV/AIDS. Here is my story. If you take the time to read it, I'm sure you will be able to relate to some part of it, and if not, well I appreciate your reading it.

When I was about 13 I started experimenting with the boys in my neighborhood. I started giving them oral sex, OFTEN. At their houses, at my house, in my basement, in the yard, in the driveway, on the street, there was no place I wouldn't do it, and hardly anybody I would turn down. They started buying me things and introducing me to their friends. I got so much practice and they would all sit around talking about how good I was. I felt so special. I thought that was such a big compliment.. I was so young and stupid that I didn't even understand they were just using me. I thought they were all in love with me or something.


Then when I was 16, I got my first serious boyfriend. He took my virginity after 3 months of me giving him oral and trying to postpone actual intercourse. It came to a point where he said I either had to do it with him or it was over. So I did. We had unprotected sex and it hurt very badly becuase his penis was so large. Then we started having unprotected sex everyday a couple times a day. I also continued giving him oral often, and begun swallowing his ejaculation. After about a year, he started seeing someone else, or quite a few someones behind my back. HE ended up breaking up with ME. It was the hardest thing I had been through, he took my virginity, he was my first love.


Not long after that, I went to a party. I ended up getting drunk and unprotected sex with a much older man. I didn't want to do it. He was very pushy and it was a huge mistake.


I started my old ways again, going to parties, getting drunk or stoned and messing around with more and more guys. It was strangers this time. Oral sex with strangers.. if I thought you were cute, I would give you head. And in return you would show me attention and make me feel "loved". I gave oral to a complete stranger in the park one night.. and swallowed his entire load. I didn't mean to, I had planned on spitting it out and he didn't warn me. I was still about 16 at the time.

Then, I entered a long term relationship with a very sweet younger guy. Lets just call him, Mark. We had PROTECTED sex often. I took his virginity. We broke up quite a few times, I gave oral to quite a few new men during our "breaks". Then we would get back together. More than a few times, I would get drunk or high and end up accidentally having sex with the sweet younger guy, Mark, unprotected. I remember seeing the movie KIDS around that time. It scared me half to death. I still remember a warm summer night, crying out on the front porch and confiding in one of my girlfriends that I was scared I was hiv positive, and had given it to my sweet innocent boyfriend. She knew my history, she said nothing. I was 17.


Then I ended up going to rehab. I met a cute guy there. I ended up getting drunk and high with him (rehab people should never hang out together) and we had unprotected sex a few times. I had cheated on my sweet boyfriend and then went back to him. I had unprotected sex with my sweet, serious boyfriend again. Finally the guilt overcame me. I confessed that me and my rehab friend had "messed around". Mark forgave me, but didn't touch me for a few weeks. He finally started touching me again, and we started having sex again. I was 18. we stayed together for several years after that.


Then I met a new guy at work and fell head over heals in love. Every time I saw him, my body had an extremely physical reaction. I couldn't stop thinking about having sex with him. He liked me too. I instantly broke up with Mark, and entered a physical long term relationship with, lets call him Josh. Josh and me met, fell "in love" and moved in together in a period of 2 weeks. We had sex almost 3 times a day sometimes. We couldn't keep our hands off each other. I was obsessed. He was the first guy that I let ejaculate INSIDE me. He did this everytime. I wanted him too. I begged him too. I was not using any kind of birth control. we started having unsafe threesomes with his friend. We all started doing risky drugs together. After being together for a while, I realized that he had been this way with other women.. he had a history of meeting someone and having unsafe sex. The friend let me know that Josh had been with hundreds of women.

I started getting scared. I started paying more attention and caught him cheating on me. I left him.


Then I moved across the country in hopes of starting a new life. I had found out my biological family was wanting to meet me. I moved there, quit doing drugs and tried to get my life together, but I didn't do a good job. I got drunk and had unsafe sex with some african american guy I met at a club. I never spoke to him again. The pressure inside me started building up. I started being convinced that if I wasn't hiv positive before, I must be now. Nobody gets this many second chances, nobody is this stupid!


I started working as a live-in nanny. I began an affair with my boss, the father of the children I was taking care of. It was exciting. We were both giving eachother oral all the time. It progressed to us have unprotected sex alot. He decided to try and get his wife involved, she loved him so much she would do anything for him. We involved her without letting her know about our history together. I LOVED having sex with her. She started suspecting us and started plotting on how to get me out of the house.


It was around that time that I had I met my blood uncle. We were instantly attracted to eachother. He had a family and wife and a home of his own. He was only 2 years older than me and still wanting to have fun while his wife was trying desperately to get him settled down. After a family party. I got really wasted. they all decided that this uncle should be the one to drive me home. He did. We had unsafe sex in his car. that was the first time I ever did anal.


It was around this time that the utter pressure of everything I had done started to build up with in me. IF I WAS HIV POSITIVE, there were at least 5 people I was responsible for possibly giving it too! and what if all those people had sex with other people, passing it along, and this was all my fault?? What if I gave it to my blood uncle and he turns around and gives it to my aunt??? what if that guy gives it to his wife? what if the black guy goes home and gives it to his lady? what if i gave it to my sweet little boyfriend back home, mark??? But how do I tell them all? I was so scared. WAY TOO SCARED TO GET TESTED.. because then I would have to deal with the fact that I was positive. I was sure I was positive.

I met a new guy who helped me keep my mind off all this. We instantly had unprotected sex and entered into a long term relationship. I moved into him and got away from the uncomfortable nanny situation. I started waking up in the morning hearing "AIDS AIDS AIDS HIV HIV HIV" in my head. It was constantly running through my mind. I continued having sex with this new boyfriend. he is 10 years older than me. I KEPT HEARING.. "AIDS YOU HAVE AIDS YOU HAVE AIDS" and it would freak me out and I would tell myself "your brain didn't just say "aids" it said "legs". I know it sounds crazy but that is the kind of tricks i would play on myself to get through the day. A day didn't go by where i didn't hear "AIDS" OR "HIV" in my head at least 500 times. i walked around just hoping nobody could read my mind. I started wondering, why haven't I gotten pregnant yet? That's kind of weird.. Then I decided.. I must have HIV and God will not bless me with a baby because that would just be TOO HARD to be pregnant and have aids. I believed that God still loved me even though I was such a horrible person.


Then I got pregnant. I was so scared becuase the only thing I was thinking about was the hiv test I will HAVE TO TAKE becuase even if it's not routine at the clinic I go to, I will ask for that test. I promised myself. So i got to the clinic and it was a routine test. What should have been a very happy time in my 26 years became a nightmare. for 2 whole weeks I waited for the results. My mind said "hiv hiv hiv hiv hiv hiv aids hiv aids hiv" the voices got louder and louder.. the fear of all the people I had probably infected was so scary i contemplated suicide.

I went back for my results in 2 weeks. I was negative. And it still hasn't hit me.


Please if your positive, try to do the right thing and notfiy people. I was prepared to do this. And please, if your negative, stay that way. And if your not sure, and you are hearing those "voices" I am here to tell you that it doesn't mean anything!! GO GET TESTED!!! live your life!!

Peace out everybody,
be safe.


Sent via Email August 17, 2009 from USA.


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