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Feel so dead

halo people!!
i dont know where to start from but i feel so dead right now!! Hiv has never been in my mind! i come from a successful family in Kenya, i had big dreams like no other, my dad has even bigger plans for me! i just finished High school and i did quite well, i was to go study in the U.S or U.K or Germany!! My dad just told me to choose the one i wished!! My life was heaven!!

 

But hell broke loose when one day, i thought i'd go out and drink and have fun! which i did! by the way i was still a virgin! but as i was driving home, i was stopped by a street prostitute, Ow my she was HOT!! i told her to jump in. i had vaginal sex with her with a very low quality condom in a very dark room! i was drunk and i thought it would be good! actually i dint enjoy anything! we had sex again for the second time!(what the fuck was wrong with me!)) i still used a condom, as far as i know but am not sure if i used it correctly, or even if she had sores in her vagina, i dint look.. in the morning i felt so stupid and left without even asking if she was clean!! two days later i had a very weird rash on my hands, that's when HIV hit me bad!! since that day i have been obsessing bad about HIV! two weeks later i developed a fungal infection on my penis! WHAT THE FUCK!! i have neva prayed so much in my life for Gods pardon and forgiveness!! i can swear to you i have all the symptoms in the book!! sore throat white tongue, chancre sores, headaches, painful and enlarged lymph nodes in my neck groin and every where else, tingling in my hands and feet, dry mouth, painful lump in my groin, my left eye has been twitching also my muscles, fever, pain behind my ears, diarrhea and soft stool, nausea, vomited, i feel weak all the time, i have lost appetite, i have lost weight,! the list goes on and on!! i have thought of suicide!! i have already written a note! i have never felt so dead in my life like this!! did i mention joint pains, i can even fill it now!
i feel bad, really bad! i have thought of all the bad things i have ever done in my life, i realized maybe God is punishing me!! i know my life is over!

 

! i have only one hope in my mind, that is ( i think i used a condom) but how safe was it!! i am so afraid, i cant even go and get tested! am just afraid of being told you are positive!! all my life i have known people who have HIV die almost immediately!! i think i need deep counseling before i do that test!! i have even done research of my own on how i would survive with the disease! it doesn't add up! someone PLIIZ HELP ME! i don't know how, just find a way! sorry for the long boring story, but i have not talked to anyone since that encounter. its been two months and a half!! my hope is in God! but i think i have disappointed him a lot!! OH GOD FORGIVE ME!! GOD BLESS YOU ALL. i will report here to tell you my results! and how i would end my life!! BYE!!

 

Sent via Email July 26, 2009 from Kenya.

 

 
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